My Unsuccessful Killing Spree

Come to my house and you will be welcomed by a swarm of pissed-off wasps that have taken up residence between our concrete front steps and aluminum siding.

It’s super fun because my son is terrified of wasps and I have some kind of allergic thing going on, too. A few years ago, I was stung in the forearm and it puffed up like Popeye’s. Before that, some brave wasp sunk his stinger into my ass (that sounds dirty) while I was at the pool. Thanks, I really needed one butt cheek to get any bigger. I sat side-saddle for days like I was suffering from hemorrhoids.

So for the past three weeks, I have set trap after trap to get rid of these damn things. I feel like friggin’ Elmer Fudd.

Foam, SOS pad, Poison Spray and Wash Cloth Propped by a Stick

The first attempt was asking my husband to douse the nest with a can of lethal killing spray. He emptied the entire contents into the wrong hole. (“That’s what she said.” Sorry, Mom. What the hell is wrong with me? Let’s continue.)

It took a few more days before I remembered to get more spray and a couple more evenings to remember to do anything. The key is to attack at dusk or night when the little F-ers aren’t active. At 9 p.m., I put on my sunglasses to protect my eyes, grabbed a flashlight, crouched behind my bushes and said a quick prayer that none of my neighbors would mistake me for a blind thief. I perfectly aim the nozzle and SPLAT! All the poison ricocheted off of the siding and onto my arms and belly. I carry on until the can is empty.

The next morning, there are even more swarming around my front door. A couple get into the house. It’s war.

I buy a foam sealant and wait until the sun goes down to trap them inside the crack. They would die a slow tortured death, eating each other in order to try to survive. Mwahahahaha! Unbeknownst to me, this crap is like squirting shaving cream and it dripped down the side of the steps into a big yellowish turd pile. I kept at it until it stuck.

The next morning I am greeted by more wasps with happy bellies full of foam. They ate through my trap.

That night, I shoved an SOS pad in the opening. Someone might as well use it.

They must have used it to sharpen their stingers, because they were still carrying on their merry little way.

I made a trap with a pop bottle, sugar, honey, dish soap and water. No results aside from the front of my house looking like Hillbilly Heaven complete with a bottle of pee.

White Trash Bee Keeper

I am beyond irritated at this point. I soak a wash cloth with wasp spray, cram it in the corner and prop it with a stick. There is no way that they are getting out of that area.

I was right! Instead, they chewed through the caulk around the door and started flying in and out there, brushing up against my ankles as I stepped outside. I squirt them with dish soap. That really irritated them and sent me running and squealing and checking for neighbors.

So tonight I am going try a new $4.49 spray, $10 wasp trap and $5.99 bottle of wine.

Figured that I might as well be buzzed, too. Can’t beat ’em — join ’em!

Wish me luck.

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  1. Kim Pugliano

    You DO know there are companies who take care of that stuff, right?

  2. Karen

    I know. I know. I am cheap, but will have to break down if this doesn’t work. Even Google is running Terminix ads because they think I’m a dumb ass!

  3. Donna

    Oh, I’m with you on this. It’s war now! I would make it my day to make sure those little stingers are gone for good! It’s the whole ” I gotta finish what I started” thinking! Good luck Karen, you can do it!

  4. Kathy

    I’m waging the same battle in my screen porch. At dusk and dawn you can find me madly aiming the wasp spray at individual wasps, swatting at the air and declaring that I’m going to win, da#*it! Then I shoot the spray directly into the little knot hole where they are flying in and out of….call me Deadeye! You’re giving me incentive to carry on with my Crusade!

  5. mark wisnewski

    Reminds me of myself, when I too was attempting to clear out a small nest of flying yellow striped SOB’s from a little bird house in the back yard a year ago. The new neighbors were having friends and families over for a BBQ next door. I was in my back yard, spray can of poison in hand, back 20 feet from hive and discharged into the hole, perfect shot. There was only one single bee in the nest and she (yes, I know it was a she because of her determination to kill me) followed the stream of death back to my face! My wife was watching from inside the house. I screamed like a little girl and shouted very loudly ‘F-in KILLER BEES’ over and over again, forgetting the fact there were people next door outside watching. My wife still cracks up when she tells that one to our visiting guests.

    I recommend adding a match to the front of the nozzle when you try again, just don’t tell the insurance agency when they ask how a front porch spontaneously ignites, good luck.

  6. Keith Dickerson

    My Grandpa used to do the trap trick all the time, but you’re missing a key ingredient – beer. He used to hang long neck beer bottles with an inch of beer and a squirt of honey from the rafters in his garage. When I helped him empty them, they would be 1/2 full of dead bees. I never heard of dish soap in the mix tho.

  7. Caroline

    Please tell Tom you guys are MORE than welcome to call his old friend Carol’s husband Nick for some free advice here. Nick’s one of those people who gets paid to do this stuff and he’d be glad to help you guys out. That said, I’m kind of glad you didn’t call yet because your approach was more entertaining!

  8. Jennifer

    Omigosh, sounds like me all spring/summer waging war on what I discovered were carpenter BEES! Yep, never knew they existed, but there they were munching perfect little holes all along the upper trim along the garage…and there I was on a ladder, with a caulk gun, sealing them in every chance I got.

    Could drive you to madness. Godspeed Karen! Get em!

  9. Karen

    An excuse to crack open a beer? Bring it! I will add that to my arsenal. Thanks, Keith!

  10. Karen

    Okay, I broke down and called an exterminator. They are still here and there was a wasp in my basement. I think that little F-er chewed through my wall! Of course, the floor was covered in Lego, so I had to chase the damn thing while puncturing my feet. ARG!

    Thanks for your help, all!

  11. Karen

    We need to start a support group!

  12. Mary

    O man! Those carpentar bees can be something! The will hover directly in front of your eyes for a stare down! But we were told that they eat wood, but don’t go after people – just the scary stare down. O, but wasps are a different animal. You may need gasoline or tourpentine (sp). Think green! Petroleum came from the earth – you’ll be putting it back! Just kidding!

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