Come to my house and you will be welcomed by a swarm of pissed-off wasps that have taken up residence between our concrete front steps and aluminum siding.
It’s super fun because my son is terrified of wasps and I have some kind of allergic thing going on, too. A few years ago, I was stung in the forearm and it puffed up like Popeye’s. Before that, some brave wasp sunk his stinger into my ass (that sounds dirty) while I was at the pool. Thanks, I really needed one butt cheek to get any bigger. I sat side-saddle for days like I was suffering from hemorrhoids.
So for the past three weeks, I have set trap after trap to get rid of these damn things. I feel like friggin’ Elmer Fudd.
The first attempt was asking my husband to douse the nest with a can of lethal killing spray. He emptied the entire contents into the wrong hole. (“That’s what she said.” Sorry, Mom. What the hell is wrong with me? Let’s continue.)
It took a few more days before I remembered to get more spray and a couple more evenings to remember to do anything. The key is to attack at dusk or night when the little F-ers aren’t active. At 9 p.m., I put on my sunglasses to protect my eyes, grabbed a flashlight, crouched behind my bushes and said a quick prayer that none of my neighbors would mistake me for a blind thief. I perfectly aim the nozzle and SPLAT! All the poison ricocheted off of the siding and onto my arms and belly. I carry on until the can is empty.
The next morning, there are even more swarming around my front door. A couple get into the house. It’s war.
I buy a foam sealant and wait until the sun goes down to trap them inside the crack. They would die a slow tortured death, eating each other in order to try to survive. Mwahahahaha! Unbeknownst to me, this crap is like squirting shaving cream and it dripped down the side of the steps into a big yellowish turd pile. I kept at it until it stuck.
The next morning I am greeted by more wasps with happy bellies full of foam. They ate through my trap.
That night, I shoved an SOS pad in the opening. Someone might as well use it.
They must have used it to sharpen their stingers, because they were still carrying on their merry little way.
I made a trap with a pop bottle, sugar, honey, dish soap and water. No results aside from the front of my house looking like Hillbilly Heaven complete with a bottle of pee.
I am beyond irritated at this point. I soak a wash cloth with wasp spray, cram it in the corner and prop it with a stick. There is no way that they are getting out of that area.
I was right! Instead, they chewed through the caulk around the door and started flying in and out there, brushing up against my ankles as I stepped outside. I squirt them with dish soap. That really irritated them and sent me running and squealing and checking for neighbors.
So tonight I am going try a new $4.49 spray, $10 wasp trap and $5.99 bottle of wine.
Figured that I might as well be buzzed, too. Can’t beat ’em — join ’em!
Wish me luck.