I am not sure if anyone noticed that I haven’t been writing for the past three weeks. I did have comments from two concerned friends during my absence: Miss Birth Control and Mister Heartburn.
The truth is that I have been recovering from an emergency medical procedure that until now, only my family knew about.
It was a pretty risky operation and doctors are not sure about how much permanent damage was done. I might be featured on Incredible Medical Mysteries if they can figure out how to pixelate my nether regions for national TV viewing.
I had my head surgically removed from my ass.
The doctors said that my cranium probably started edging towards the sphincter shortly after I returned from vacation. Since we left in a huff, I didn’t get a chance to do a thorough house cleaning beforehand. (Is there anything better than returning to a clean home after a trip? I wouldn’t know.) When we opened the door, my big nose was greeted with a pungent smell of petrified boy pee on the bathroom floor.
And the house was a balmy 92 degrees inside.
The Headupyeranus Specialist explained how the month of August is another common trigger that causes the brain goes into a severe panic mode of “Holy crap! Summer is over! We have people to see, places to go, things to do before the kids go back to school!”
Sadly, my surgery could have been easily prevented if I knew the many warning signs associated with this horrific syndrome. Please contact your doctor immediately if you or a loved one display any of these symptoms:
1) Eating and drinking like you are going to the electric chair. Not passing up one opportunity to socialize — family parties, happy hours, girls nights out, BBQ and plays. Only going to the grocery store to pick up ice, wine or ready-made dips.
2) Inviting 20 friends to your home for dinner and writing the wrong date on the calendar.
3) Blowing off your daughter’s physical exam required for the first day of middle school.
4) Forgetting to return the registration paperwork for Religious Education until after the sessions are full, therefore forcing you to home-school the lessons and pray your kids won’t ask a single question.
5) Double and triple booking plans on a regular basis.
6) Purchasing cards and gifts for babies, weddings, birthdays, thank yous and get well wishes, letting them collect dust, hiding them when company comes over, then forgetting where you stash them which causes you to buy more when running to the store for ice, wine and ready-made dips. Lather. Rinse. Repeat.
7) Greeting your husband with, “Try doing that with a baby jumping around in your belly while having contractions” immediately after he has a spinal epidural to relieve the excruciating pain in his entire leg.
8) Cleaning out backpacks a week before the new year starts and seriously contemplating leaving the smushed granola bars so you don’t have to go to the store to buy snacks.
9) Getting quotes, permits and insurance paperwork in line and not following through on any of the home improvement projects.
10) Sinking to a new low by taking your mom up on her offer to fold the mountain of wrinkled clothes that have been sitting in your basement for two weeks. Then have her return and do it again after your son decides to dance around the house with your husband’s boxers on his head.
11) Realizing that the only commitments you have not ignored are Project Runway, The Glee Project, The Next Food Network Star, The Next Design Star, Chopped and marathons of America’s Next Top Model.
12) Purchasing more socks instead of pairing those stranded in the laundry basket.
13) Having so much to do that you choose do nothing.
The recovery has been slow because of the oxygen I lost while my noggin was trapped in my rump. But, there have been positive signs. My kids have made it to school each day. I actually remembered to pick them up. And I even sent in Junior’s craft supplies for class a day before they were due.
I have hope.
Now if the doctors can just explain my fear of dusting…
It’s National “Save a Head from Being Gobbled by an Ass” Week.
Please help create awareness by sharing this post with your family and friends. Their bungholes will thank you.