Doctor’s Orders to Take a Break from Blogging

I am not sure if anyone noticed that I haven’t been writing for the past three weeks. I did have comments from two concerned friends during my absence: Miss Birth Control and Mister Heartburn.

It was so thoughtful that they checked in.

The truth is that I have been recovering from an emergency medical procedure that until now, only my family knew about.

It was a pretty risky operation and doctors are not sure about how much permanent damage was done. I might be featured on Incredible Medical Mysteries if they can figure out how to pixelate my nether regions for national TV viewing.

I had my head surgically removed from my ass.

The doctors said that my cranium probably started edging towards the sphincter shortly after I returned from vacation. Since we left in a huff, I didn’t get a chance to do a thorough house cleaning beforehand. (Is there anything better than returning to a clean home after a trip? I wouldn’t know.)  When we opened the door, my big nose was greeted with a pungent smell of petrified boy pee on the bathroom floor.

And the house was a balmy 92 degrees inside.

The Headupyeranus Specialist explained how the month of August is another common trigger that causes the brain goes into a severe panic mode of “Holy crap! Summer is over! We have people to see, places to go, things to do before the kids go back to school!”

Sadly, my surgery could have been easily prevented if I knew the many warning signs associated with this horrific syndrome. Please contact your doctor immediately if you or a loved one display any of these symptoms:

1)    Eating and drinking like you are going to the electric chair.  Not passing up one opportunity to socialize — family parties, happy hours, girls nights out, BBQ and plays. Only going to the grocery store to pick up ice, wine or ready-made dips.

2)    Inviting 20 friends to your home for dinner and writing the wrong date on the calendar.

3)    Blowing off your daughter’s physical exam required for the first day of middle school.

4)    Forgetting to return the registration paperwork for Religious Education until after the sessions are full, therefore forcing you to home-school the lessons and pray your kids won’t ask a single question.

5)    Double and triple booking plans on a regular basis.

6)    Purchasing cards and gifts for babies, weddings, birthdays, thank yous and get well wishes, letting them collect dust, hiding them when company comes over, then forgetting where you stash them which causes you to buy more when running to the store for ice, wine and ready-made dips. Lather. Rinse. Repeat.

7)    Greeting your husband with, “Try doing that with a baby jumping around in your belly while having contractions” immediately after he has a spinal epidural to relieve the excruciating pain in his entire leg.

8)    Cleaning out backpacks a week before the new year starts and seriously contemplating leaving the smushed granola bars so you don’t have to go to the store to buy snacks.

9)    Getting quotes, permits and insurance paperwork in line and not following through on any of the home improvement projects.

10)     Sinking to a new low by taking your mom up on her offer to fold the mountain of wrinkled clothes that have been sitting in your basement for two weeks. Then have her return and do it again after your son decides to dance around the house with your husband’s boxers on his head.

11)    Realizing that the only commitments you have not ignored are Project Runway, The Glee Project, The Next Food Network Star, The Next Design Star, Chopped and marathons of America’s Next Top Model.

12)     Purchasing more socks instead of pairing those stranded in the laundry basket.

13)     Having so much to do that you choose do nothing.

The recovery has been slow because of the oxygen I lost while my noggin was trapped in my rump. But, there have been positive signs. My kids have made it to school each day. I actually remembered to pick them up. And I even sent in Junior’s craft supplies for class a day before they were due.

I have hope.

Now if the doctors can just explain my fear of dusting…

How the hell did a pen cap get up there? The shelf is 5-feet high.

It’s National “Save a Head from Being Gobbled by an Ass” Week.
Please help create awareness by sharing this post with your family and friends. Their bungholes will thank you.

Permanent link to this article: http://www.mom-mom-mom.com/2011/08/23/doctors-orders-to-take-a-break-from-blogging/


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  1. GiGi

    Too funny!!!

  2. Patty

    At first I was worried something was wrong with you, but now that I’m practically crying from laughing so hard, I’m glad you had your head up your arse! I’m in great company, though I’m not as funny.

  3. A Field of Dreams

    Welcome back! And here I thought the Mafia whacked you… great post.

  4. megs

    thank you for sharing this brave story. Your unflinching honesty is an inspiration for us all. I hope that people will finally start taking this condition seriously, and the government will free up much-needed dollars for research. You’re a giant amongst (extremely short) women.

  5. megryansmom

    OMG I suffer from many of those symptoms, but we have crappy insurance so I’ll just have to put off the surgery.

  6. Annemarie

    Do not worry oh Young One! When you get to be an Ole’ Broad like your fantastic neighbor Bridget and I, your sphincter is MUCH looser. Use and age make it almost possible to pull your head out almost as soon as it happens. The best part is, is that when you are an Ole’ Broad, you don’t really give a toot, who knows. who sees or who else has theirs up further! Unfortunatly along with loose sphincters, comes loose mouths. This causes a whole new set of problems, but as I said Ole broads don’t give a poop about that either, we are on to much more important things like trying to remember ….. damn what was I trying to remember.

  7. ChiMomWriter

    You are hilarious (and that picture is hilarious). When you’ve recovered from your “procedure,” let’s schedule our date to teach you the Twittersphere. 😉

  8. Carmella McDonnell

    I am Maureen’s Mom and I did not find humor about the month of August until much later in life. Congratulations! By sharing your stories, other mothers are able to put things in perspective as they travel their journey of life. Oh those bumps along the road! The children do grow up, marry and double your joy and divide your sorrows.

  9. Mark Wisnewski

    OMG that shelf is so funny

  10. Betti Walcott

    I am a friend of Carmella and Maureen and I too have had many of your symptoms, surgery did not help me until later in life. HANG IN THERE….THIS TOO SHALL PASS!!!!!!! Unfortunately, then much much later in life many of these same symptoms return and you just get to share some of these with the grandchildren, such as where am I?…what day is it?…who are you?

  11. Kim

    Been there.
    Done that.
    Forgot to post a blog.

    You win.


  12. Rose Stack

    Well, I don’t have to worry about seeing a Headupyerass specialist. I just laughed my head off. I hope the specialist didn’t tell you it was a hereditary condition because I really feel it might be.

  13. Ceil

    MY WORLD!!!! (but I am still pre-operative)

    Best post yet. Love it.

  14. Karen

    It’s good to be back, people! Thank you for all the support and I am sorry for scaring the crap out of some of you.

    (And for the record, I ended up vacuuming the shelf because it was so disgusting.)

  15. Peg

    Heyyyy sista! Your’re so funny and I’m sorry but I’ve been in my own kid-summer-firstkidgoestocollege wtf?? chaos that I didn’t even notice you haven’t written oooops. NO worries we will always love you girl.

    And how cool is it that Aidan and Nora are in the same class?! I hear GREAT stories on a daily basis so I really don’t need your stuff lol. Nora told me that the first day she was laughing so hard because Aidan had a Pop Rock stuck on his shirt and he said ohhhh yum that’s for later!! lmao Nora just loves him. I told her due to our last names being what they are, she and Aidan will most likely be put next to or close to each other very often!! She said “cool”!! lol

    ps I also thought something happened to you when I read the title of your blog, phew, glad you’re ok. ; )

  16. Cindy

    Hope it’s not contagious! Being blonde I have a recurring bout of foot in mouth disease.

  17. Amy

    I’m glad you’re back! We still need to go for drinks, yes? Actually, we should take Colleen out for congratulatory drinks! Anyway, welcome back!

  18. Mia

    May need a referral to your doc……

  19. Ranee

    Hahahahahaha……I can’t stop laughing!!! Very funny!

  20. Mary Kay

    One of my favorites Karen!

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