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My Children Are Now in the Blog Witness Protection Program

One of the biggest debates in the blogosphere is how much of your private life you should keep private. Moms who blog tend to get a lot of heat for exploiting their kids. One blogger who made me cringe admitted that she loved her son more than her daughter. It set off a domino effect of outcry and was reposted many times over to the internet world. Makes me look like Carol Brady.

(Damn, I wish I had an Alice. Every mom should have a wife.)

I will now refer to my children as the symbol formerly known as Prince

As you have figured out by now, I obviously do not have any pride or filter about my experiences. My stories are about personal short-comings and slacker parent moments. I try to chronicle the never-ending struggle to choose laughter over tears when life throws you a kidney stone or fossilized turd.

It took me years to realize that the only way I could enjoy motherhood was by surrounding myself with other moms who aren’t trying to one up or judge me. I simply could not keep up with perfectly coiffed, skinny, smug moms. You know the type:

My kids only eat organic food harvested out of my backyard and fertilized with my own rose-smelling feces.

They do not watch TV, were potty-trained at six months, breastfed for two years, speak three languages, are in the gifted program and play on 12 traveling sports teams. I bake from scratch, my home is immaculate and you will never risk leaving my minivan with a gummy bear stuck to your bottom.

Yeah, that’s awesome. My 8-year old son just belted out the words to Rihanna’s song: “Sticks and stones may break my bones, but chains and whips excite me.” How do you like them S&M apples?

There is a big difference between being proud of your accomplishments and trying to make others feel like crap. That is what this blog is about: I am okay. You’re okay. We are just trying our best and will make mistakes along the way. Instead of beating ourselves up, we will grab a beer, commiserate, laugh, learn and move on.

I walk a very delicate line about sharing stories about my kids and have been called out on it.

They do know about the blog and I have shared some of the stories with them. As you may recall, my son had a meltdown about a story I wrote insinuating that the monkey house smell coming from his room might have been from peed-on sheets.

“Now people are going to think that I wet my bed just so you can make a living on Google!” he screamed.  I was dumbfounded and deleted that part of the story.

This past week, my daughter walked by my computer and saw on my screen a picture of the American Girl “The Care and Keeping of You” book on her bed. I was linking old posts to a Greatest Hits page, and completely forgot to log off. “Mom, can I please talk to you about your blog?”

Gulp.

“There are some things that I want to talk to you privately that I want to stay private,” she explains. Her maturity amazes me. After all, I am the ass who giggled during our school’s parent meeting about puberty whenever the instructor said “wet dream” and “spontaneous erection.”

I completely agreed and explained that the story was mainly about how I botched our talk about “changes in your body.”  I also went back and edited the story so it would not haunt her.

The final straw was the other day when my son reported an unusual poop that not only resembled a green shade of soft serve ice cream, but it also contained full pieces of broccoli. After hearing the fascinating fecal details, I asked if it happens again, that he call me in to see it before he flushed.

“Why mom? So you can put a picture of it on your blog?”

It was at this point that I decided to protect their identity to alleviate some paranoia and constipation.  I can’t let this site literally scare the shit into my son.

From this day forward, my son will be named Junior and my daughter will be Missy. I will still post pictures of them. Not of their turds.

Now I have the fun task of going through all my past posts and changing their names.

Just another excuse to not fold laundry.

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Can I refrain from swearing or embarrassing myself for 45 minutes straight? Find out on BrandsBloggerRadio airing tonight at 9 p.m. CT. I am the one with the loud, annoying Minnie Mouse voice. It will be archived here.

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Permanent link to this article: http://www.mom-mom-mom.com/2011/04/20/my-children-are-now-in-the-blog-witness-protection-program/

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  1. ChiMomWriter

    We never had to worry about these things in the era of snail mail! It’s a hard line to balance. My husband doesn’t want pics of our kids up on our blog (I’ve broken that rule once already. Shhhh.) I’m hoping that by the time my kids have gotten old enough to realize that I’ve aired their dirty laundry online, technology will have shifted yet again.

    Or, maybe I should save myself some trouble and start editing their names now. Dangit.

    1. Karen

      I am with you — hopefully this World Wide Web thing is just some fad and will go away before my kids sue me for emotional damage. They just provide such great material! Maybe if I buy them a pony…

  2. Heidi

    I especially LOVE the italicized paragraph…we need to hang our more. God knows my son only plays on 10 travel sports teams!!!l ha Awesome blog today!

    1. Karen

      Thanks, Heidi. I remember breaking up with one of my first “mommy friends” because I always felt like a loser parent after we would get together. She literally made her own baby food, did sign language, went to the library every day, never watched TV — it went on and on. Don’t get me wrong — those are all wonderful things — but it was condescending way she talked to me. I felt miserable after each visit and kept thinking “What is wrong with me?” Then I had that Oprah A-Ha moment and thought, “What is wrong with her?”

      Now I surround myself with moms who ask if 9 a.m. is too early to have a beer!

  3. Holly Taylor

    Its such a hard thing to keep your blog censored just the right amount. I decided as an adult I really didn’t know what my mother thought/felt etc and thats when I decided to do a blog. So someday (when I’m old and don’t remember) my kids will be able to know my emotions regarding motherhood, good and bad. But its hard to keep the balance. Espcially for this mom with no filter for anything in my head!

    PS my whole family is like the perfect mother you described above! I’m the one black sheep that keeps her xmas tree up till end of Jan and whose kids sing the lyrics to Fu@#king Perfect by Pink! I tell my family it empowers my girls to sing that song!

    1. Karen

      Yes, when you blog about motherhood, it’s hard to not have your kids enter the plot!

      (BTW, my mom had our tree up thru February and decorated it with hearts. We should start a support group!)

  4. Marta

    Karen,
    I really could identify with the “one up” attitude of some Moms. It’s hard enough to get through everything motherhood throws at you, never mind the standards other people try to impose on us. You’ve been such a great friend through everything. So, not to get too mushy or sappy, but you are NOT OK, YOU’RE GREAT!!.
    And about the home grown gardens, I can’t even keep houseplants alive for more than a month.

    1. Karen

      Aww, thanks! Low standards + high volumes of sangria = great friendships!

  5. Dwana

    Karen,

    I loved this post. mainly because though ive been blogging since 2007, i never wrote about my kid until i became a “mommy” blogger. this is because i felt i was a really crappy mom! At 15 my son has never been to Great America, neverowned a water gun, was only allowed to eat m & m ‘s as a youngster and no mcdonalds – he’s bitter and eats it all the time now! this is great, i feel acceptance here on your site, thanks!

    1. Karen

      I am trying to make mediocre moms the new black!

      So glad that you have found this safe zone where we can laugh at our shortcomings instead of judge. (I am impressed that you were able to stick to your guns with the candy! My dentist has a wing in her house named after my family.) Thanks for reading~

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