The Real Bull

Thank you so much for all of the response to our dog drama — the comments are way funnier than the original story! If you missed them, please check out the last few posts.

Most readers were in favor of getting a dog. My husband’s buddy suggested a pet pig. If it didn’t work out, they can enjoy pork products for a few months.

I have to admit that I am getting worn down on a slight possibility of thinking about thinking about getting a pooch. I am especially weak tonight as the kids cried themselves to bed when I told them that sadly, there was no way we were getting a bull dog. Even though they are so darn cute. (The dog, not the kids. Well, the kids, too.)

After reading the last post, my classmate from high school sent me an enlightening email. It’s so damn hilarious, that with her blessing, I had to share the whole thing:

“Thought I would send you a reply, in case you ever do break down on the dog issue, or want to share some information with your darling daughter.  We are the “proud” owners of 2 bulldogs.  One is actually a miniature bulldog from Minnesota – who is a pretty great pet.  The OTHER one is from a breeder in Florida (also supposed to be a mini-bull) and NOT such a great pet.

I was talked/bullied into getting this breed of dog myself.  I LOVE dogs, but have never been a fan of the bully.  They are all the things you may have heard….SMELLY!!!!!!!  DUMB!!!!!!  STUBBORN!!!!!!  DUMB!!!!!   SMELLY!!!!!!   STUPID!!!!!! (you get the picture)….

My poor husband wore ME down with tales of a future as him as an old man, rocking in a chair on a front porch somewhere (at like 82 years old) and FINALLY being able to get that bulldog he always wanted (I guess I’m dead in this story)….so I think the point he was making here is that I, as the general in charge (as it should be) usually gets what I want…..why oh why can’t he????

Our first bully is a miniature (NOT recognized by the AKA – who cares).  He is pretty awesome, only like 40 pounds or so….tolerably smelly, minimally trainable (he can give paw – big whoop).  But he was REALLY expensive (ie. that year’s tax return money)…..

Then, we had a thought….at the time, there was quite the market for mini-bulldogs (before economy tanked and people were still spending hard-earned cash for full bred dogs).   How about ANOTHER one (female) so we can breed and sell them….I even had a website name…..are you ready…..Chicago Mini-Bulls!

Well, our female puppy addition was all cute at first….but a total DOPE.  Really, the text book, ‘dumb as a box of rocks’ bulldog.  AND….she has grown to be a portly 70+ pounds….NOT the mini she was supposed to be….breeder said 35-40 lbs. max…..needless to say, they were scamming people and are NO LONGER in business!

Unfortunately, our male mini-bull cannot seem to “reach” the necessary “areas” on our big-mama Pearl, therefore, no Chicago Mini-Bulls have been produced!  Darn!  Which is why I’m still working, I’ll have you know!

Anyway….our 100% full bred English Bulldog has many of the expected maladies like:  yeast that grows in her folds, REALLY stinky smell coming from her tail at all times – even if I bathe her once a week, cysts between her toes that split and bleed some times, allergies that make her itch like crazy and rub her body and face all over the carpet and furniture as a way of scratching herself, passes TONS of smelly gas, SNORES louder than any person I have ever heard….etc, etc.

So, you have to think long and hard and have your eyes wide open before taking that leap….because once you get one, it’s nearly impossible to “un-get” one, if you know what I mean.  I’ve attached a picture of PEARL for your viewing pleasure!”



(Pearl is so adorable — I can’t believe she isn’t getting lucky!)

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  1. Kim Van Patten

    Hey Karen–we went to highschool many moons ago. So enjoy your work. Really funny. I don’t know if I missed something but does the kind of dog have to be a Bull dog? Seems like so much work! We have a Chocolate Lab and she is very easy to take care of hygiene-wise. She is 2 yrs old at this point and still has a lot of puppy in her which of course requires excercise…we walk every morning after I drop my son off at school and my son plays with her outside after school. I have to admit that dogs require some effort but their love for you is the payback. Nothing like a snuggle from my girl to brighten my day. I guess my point is if you were to cave in and get a dog how about a breed that does not require so much maintenance? Keep up the great work!

  2. Ann

    Karen – how about the Webkinz Bulldog that Amazon is selling on the side of your blog. Seems like it would be less smelly!!

  3. Kim Pugliano

    I am a dog lover and adore my two pups almost more than my family (I work from home so they spend more time adoring me than my family), but I’m not going to make a recommendation to you for or against. I’m just enjoying watching the drama unfold. Smart and sarcastic kids are THE BEST and I know this because I have bred one. Keep the updates coming.

  4. christina

    yick. i’d say have your kids read about the breed (above) and perhaps come to a compromise – a dog breed with some more desirable qualities like smarts and “normal” dog smells.

  5. Lady Estrogen

    Hahaha.. YES – it’s not a picnic!
    We’re at the stage now that we actually have to give up one of our dogs because he isn’t handling the boys very well – it’s heart-breaking and stressful. POO.

  6. mark

    …oh yes…I forgot there is one more reason to get a dog…your new baby puppy can friend Spec on FaceBook…it’s funny walking up to my computer and seeing that little JRT sitting at the keyboard talking about her day…funny

  7. Mark

    sorry it appears Spec’s facebook URL did not show up


  8. Karen

    Hello my fellow GC Charger! Yes, my kids are obsessed with bull dogs for some reason. And so is my husband. Whenever I think he’s looking at something naughty on the computer, he is actually oogling over bull dogs on Petfinder.com. Thanks for your advice. I can barely take care of my kids.

  9. Karen

    Haha! And did you see the ad for the book “Mean Old Mom” and “Mean Mothers?” Even Amazon thinks I am an A-hole!

  10. Karen

    Ugh — that is really sad and awful. I am so sorry and hope everything goes well for your family.

  11. Karen

    Hey Spec,
    You can friend me on Facebook and I’ll give you a Scooby Snack:

  12. Karen

    Like you, I also work from home but am perfectly happy to be by myself during the day! Stay tuned~

  13. Mary Peterson

    Hi Karen,
    First off, I very much enjoy your stories!!! I am a bull dog owner and would not trade him in for the world! Is he stinky? Yes, most of the time. Does he have health issues? Yes, a lot of times. But he is the most faithful animal there is. He loves me and is always happy to see me when I get home! He really doesn’t require much work as he sleeps most of the day and never really begs to go out and run and play like other dogs (although he is eight). Now it was not love at first sight because I had 10 boxer puppies (another awesome family dog) housed in the basement when my husband decided to “surprise” me with yet another animal. He had already “surprised” me with Llamas and mini donkeys so I knew the routine, I was going to be responsible for that bulldog whether I liked him or not! As the boxer puppies left us for new loving homes and the smell went with them, I started to warm up to Harley. He looked at me with that face, you know the one, that only a mother could love and then finally he had me at hello. He hardly ever barks, which is a huge plus, something you take for granted until you are around someones who does. He’s low energy, also a huge plus, since now we have a german short haired pointer my son just had to have for hunting who is also in my care now. I walk him in snow, wind, rain, sleet, you name it, we walk in it or the dog goes nuts until you do. In conclusion, is there other breeds out there besides the bullie? Sure there is. Are they a better family dog than the bullie? Most definately not!

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