Never Underestimate the Power of a Butt Pucker

If you missed my last post (where the readers’ comments were way funnier than the article), I just want to bring you up to speed that my daughter has been doing a full-court press to convince me that we should get a pet English bulldog.

I do not want a dog. The rest of my family does.  I’ve explained the responsibilities of walking in dreadful weather conditions, poop scooping, feeding, vacuuming, etcetera, etcetera, etcetera to the answers of “Mom, we will take care of it all!” (To my husband’s defense, he has not offered because he knows the truth: it will be my bastard dog-child.)

For the past few weeks, I have found strategically placed notes, drawings and booklets cleverly pleading her case. I’ve worked in the world of marketing for more years than I care to admit and her campaign put most of my promotions to shame. This kid could have won a Clio — her pieces were packed with emotional appeal, well-researched facts and an adorable mascot that trumped the Pillsbury Dough Boy:


Thanks to this blog, I have learned that bulldogs need to have their anal glands squeezed. I am not sure of the reason why because I was concentrating on swallowing the vomit that rose up the back of my throat. I think it has something to do with infections. This was the one stinky fact that my little marketing maven failed to share.

I waited to share my new information when the time was just right: at a family party. On my classy side of the family, it’s not a successful gathering unless the topic of conversation somehow gets back to bodily functions. You are deemed funny if you can get milk/wine/beer to shoot out of another relative’s nose.

Two of my cousins started talking about English bulldogs in front of Eileen. One mentioned that she had also begged her mom for the same pet when she was Eileen’s age. That’s when I brought up the little nugget about how they need to have their butt holes squeezed. My daughter’s jaw dropped and everyone gagged. The poor kid was silent. There was no way she was going to volunteer for that dog-rearing job of handling a dog’s rear.

Finally, victory was mine!

After everyone left, I asked Eileen what she thought about the new information about taking care of a dog’s smelly bottom. She broke down into tears. “Well, now I know for sure that we will never get a dog. I am sorry that I brought this whole thing up.”

I felt horribly. What kind of evil mom will gloat in front of her heartbroken daughter? Especially after all of her creative efforts and hard work. I was not proud of myself. For a slight moment, I would have given in to another type of dog just to cheer her up.

Instead, the next day I bought her some new clothes from Target.

Old dog = Old tricks

Dear Google Ads, Please focus on the whole TARGET and CLOTHES and FAMILY part and ignore anything to do with anuses. Well, except if there is a HUGE SALE on JEANS and PANTS that make my ass look small.


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  1. gigi's handler

    Best post yet…that one made me spit out my wine. Great stuff Karen.

  2. Bridget

    Sorry about your luck. My ads are for……PetMD- Dog Anal Glands, Ask a vet online and Bed Bath and Beyond. Not sure I get the connection.

  3. meg

    hey! I got pet insurance cover which is pretty good.

    And OH as the person who told you about the glands, I now feel compelled to tell you that you really should buy her a dog. Or maybe I can get her one for her birthday!

  4. Karen

    I beat you all with an ad for hemorrhoid removal!!

  5. Kathy McCormick

    I did not know that a dog could be disqualified for the wrong color nose.
    And I LOVE the fact that she noted that she was giving you a thumbs up.. as opposed to something else!! And my browser is so out of date I dont have any ads!! Oh wait there is a pet cemetary ad!! ???

  6. Karen

    Sister, If you get a dog for her b-day, I will have YOUR anal glands squeezed!

  7. Karen

    Well, that makes sense. This whole dog thing has become a pain in my arse.

  8. Maria

    Have to admit Eileen had a great campaign. You needed something that gross to get out of that one. Good research.

  9. Ronnie

    I can always appreciate a good conversation about anal glands…
    Oh, I miss you guys already!

    By the way, I read this post while shopping for feline pheormones to stop my cat from peeing everywhere. If she can’t get a bulldog, do you guys want a cat instead?

  10. Karen

    Kathy, did you also know that bulldogs are afraid of seeing themselves in the mirror? At least I have that much in common with them! (Yes, I also love that she was probably giving me the finger!)

  11. Karen

    Thanks, but I will pass on the cat. If I wanted pee everywhere, I’d have another son. (Great seeing you again and finally meeting Haydee!)

  12. Paula Mullin

    Karen.. your family are legends… I used to hear these crazy stories from Meg in work.. now we don’t work together it is great to know I don’t miss out on the Stack Craic! … P.s you sure have one talented little girl! x

  13. Karen

    So glad that you can still appreciate our adventures, Paula! (Yes, I am very proud of my little girl. Hoping that she will make it big one day and take care of me when I am old. Just hoping that she doesn’t hold that whole pet thing against me.)

  14. Holly Taylor

    Love your daughter’s drawings!

    Love your post! New clothes always do the trick!

    PS..my friend just got a bulldog and she informed me the other day she had to “guide” a poop out of her ass as the dog was super constipated.

    Just think of the fun you are missing!

  15. Karen

    Ugh! That story helps lessen the guilt — thanks!

  16. Kosta

    Arrived at your website through Digg. You already know I will be subscribing to your rss feed.

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