It was about a year ago that my young, hip coworker told me, “You should write a blog” after kindly listening to my 325th ridiculous story about my family. Trying to not sound as out of touch with pop culture than I really am, I coolly replied, “Yeah, I know, right? Oh snap. What the hell is a blog?” She explained how Dooce wrote stories about her kids, took pictures of her dogs and a gazillion people follow her. Now she is one rich mother blogger.
Easy enough! I have plenty of material and a couple of hamsters.
I hemmed and hawed, threw the idea out to a few close friends, read, researched, excessively stalked other blogs, wrote, rewrote, deleted and finally launched this site on September 9, 2010. (It’s deceiving, because I backdated some older stories so it had a little meat when I birthed it.)
In the past seven months, I have been humbled by how the readership has spread like an STD on the Jersey Shore. Since I don’t really understand Search Engine Optimization or how to properly pimp myself out, my main readership has grown simply by people telling two friends, then they told two friends, and before you know it, I am a Faberge shampoo commercial!
I can’t thank you enough, dear readers. I still don’t really know what I am doing, but I am trying to learn from my very public mistakes.
1) Selling your soul does not pay.
I am not trying to cover the mortgage with this blog, but a little guilt-free slush fund for shoes, Target and Bunco would be nice. That’s why there are promos running on the sidebar. Unfortunately, when your content is based on poop, puke, detox, kidney stones, pube waxing and calling the police on yourself, Google will post some crazy-ass ads.
It’s really not Google’s fault. Even though they know our every move and dominate the world, the ads are matched to my site based on the words in my post. A blogger only makes money if someone clicks on the ads or has an insane amount of page views.
Needless to say, writing about my two cents is earning about three pennies a day by running these ads:
I don’t mind. Often the ads are funnier than the stuff I write about.
More ridiculous ads>>
2) Do not make a reference about another blogger because she just might be reading and then you will feel like a real douchebag.
(Wonder what ads will pull in for “douche?” Vinegar and oil salad dressing?)
In November, I was fortunate to have one of my posts featured on BlogHer, the chick blog mecca of the universe. I wrote about how upset my son was about one of the stories I posted on my blog. I did a follow-up post on my own little blog about the experience and mentioned that I seemed to bug one blogger who was above my intelligence level. Well, good for her — she found the post on my blog and called me out:
3) I am so many things to so many people.
Google analytics tracks every click, hometown and bathroom habit of all the visitors who come to this site – and every other site for that matter. You can even see what search terms people are using to find your site. It’s amazing, voyeuristic and downright creepy at same time.
Needless to say, the searches that match up for mom-mom-mom are less than flattering. These are actual searches that were used to click through to this site:
Beavis and butthead pepto
Kidney stones are bullshit
Mom ass in bath
Pee Pee tube for kids
True mom naked
Sadly, I’ve been called worse!
If you’re not already a subscriber, please add yourself to the email or RSS feed list. There is some interesting stuff in store that you won’t want to miss. (Perhaps of me waxing my ass in the tub while wearing a jock strap on my goiter.) Stay tuned!
Simple ways to donate to Japan:
Red Cross: Text REDCROSS to 90999 to donate $10 from your phone. This will donate to the general Red Cross Disaster Relief Fund, so if you want to ensure that it goes to Japan you’ll have to donate from their Web site.
Salvation Army: To contribute to earthquake relief, text ‘JAPAN’ or ‘QUAKE’ to 80888 to make a $10 donation or visit SalvationArmyUSA.org.
Convoy of Hope : A non-profit for disaster relief efforts. You can donate either online or via text message by texting TSUNAMI to 50555.