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Wax On, Wax Off

Rated: NFD
The subject matter is Not For Dudes. Please proceed at your own risk, cross your legs and be thankful that you are a man.

I couldn’t help myself from jumping up and dancing during Glee’s rendition of “Dream On.” As I did some major fist pumping, my daughter turns to me and says, “Have you been watching Jersey Shore or something?”

Watch the Jersey Shore? I lived it, baby!

Snooki with Short Hair and No Boobs | Jersey Shore, 1990

Let me take you back to my girls’ trip to the Jersey Shore in 1990. If you thought the hair on MTV is big now, you should have seen it in the 90s. Imagine Snooki with a perm and acid-washed denim. Even the bumping and grinding were going down back then. (I took pictures of total strangers because we thought that it was hilarious and disturbing. But now that they are in a photo album 20 years later, I seem like a voyeuristic perv. Probably why me and Reality TV get along so well.)

Dirty Dancing at the Shore, 1990

It was a year after college and six of us planned on renting a house on Long Beach Island in Jersey. I was still living at home and thrilled to have another go-around with the college gal pals. The night before, I was all packed and made a last-minute trip to the drugstore for Banana Boat frying oil and Advil. All you really need for vacation. I spotted the DYI bikini wax kit and figure, what the hell. We are going to be basking on the beach every day, might as well.

I lock myself in my room, set up shop and apply the wax in the appropriate places. It turns into yellow crotch candles and I attempt to tear the first strip off. “YOUCH! FIDDLE STICKS! DARN! RATS! GO JUMP IN A LAKE, SALLY HANSEN, YOU EVIL SADIST BITCH!” A giant chuck of my groin is missing and the hair follicles are so enormous that they literally look like tulip bulbs.

I am a bleeding mess.

Dammit. Dammit. Dammit. Now what the hell am I going to do? I can’t hobble down the hall bow-legged past my parents and siblings into the shower.

AHHHHHH!!!!!!

So for the next hour, I pick off tiny pieces of wax, hair, skin and dignity while trying not to scream. By the time it was all done, I look like I had herpes or the clap. And that was BEFORE the Shore.  (Just kidding, mom and dad.)

I spent the whole week at the beach with shorts on.

That’s my version of The Situation.

_____

Permanent link to this article: http://www.mom-mom-mom.com/2011/01/18/wax-on-wax-off/

13 comments

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  1. Lisa M.

    Every woman reading this just crossed her legs a little tighter. Ouch!

    1. Karen

      Yes, I figured that this would be my public service announcement to all unsuspecting women. A friend of mine (who did not hear this story) self-waxed last summer and ended up with cotton glued all over her lady parts and fingers. It was tragic.

  2. Colleen B

    omg! I haven’t laughed that hard in a long time!

    1. Karen

      Thanks, Colleen. You would have laughed even harder if i included a picture of a certain someone with a Virginia Slim in her hand!

  3. Tara

    DYI wax kits should be outlawed! No sane human being should be ripping hair out of their privates. Leave it to the professionals.

    1. Karen

      Yes, we can start a union named Evil Beaver and wear signs that say: Leave Our Pubes Alone!

  4. A Field of Dreams

    Laughed Out Loud! All you need in that pic is a mullet. I love this blog. In Australia it would be mum-mum-mum.

    ICLW #126

    1. Karen

      Thanks for stopping by all the way from Australia!

  5. hilary

    Hi, I am visiting from ICWL… I hurt just reading this.. You are brave… I can’t imagine trying this on myself!

    1. Karen

      Hardly brave. Just stupid!

  6. Exercise Balls

    Nice site, nice and easy on the eyes and great content too.

  7. Bobbie

    Yikes!!! Self waxing is never pleasant but it’s gotta be better than a dipilatory cream on the nether regions……………… chemical burns are not pleasant 😀

    ICLW 121

  8. Regina Bradley

    I used to live in Elmhurst; moved out in 1998…..miss it like crazy. My friend R.Clancy told me to check out this site. I was lol about the waxing thing……I was never vain enough to do that just took a shaver to the “area”; now I could give a shit. I used to be the funniest person in Elmhurst but you have outranked me by a mile……..I moved from there to Dallas to Florida…..I could tell you some stories babe……

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