Tom’s Turn | Resolutions: I’m Running out of Choices

Special guest post by my husband Tom…

New Year's Eve, 2010

That’s right, dad-dad-dad is pitch hitting for this segment. I have been watching from the sidelines and being supportive. I figure I am probably directly or indirectly responsible for much of the fodder on this site, so I might as well be a guest writer every now and again.

I hope the New Year is off to a great start.  As usual, I’ve jumped on the bandwagon of resolutions, and once again, it’s diet time.  Those of you who know me can understand that moderation is not really in my vocabulary.  Gambling, I definitely dabble.   Boozing, why not?  Eating, now that won’t get you in too much trouble financially, and being fat is hardly punishable by law.  In fact, I have mastered car eating (bucket of bird from KFC has been planted on my dash before).

During my senior year of high school, I was 6’3” and maybe 165 (if I had a severe zit breakout).  Not uncommon with most people, metabolism took over and life was good. Not until mid-20s was I even concerned about weight.

Ladies, I was the Real Deal in 1985

It didn’t take too long until I would be answering to “Burger” among friends.  I became known in circles as the guy who knocked back a whole sleeve of Sour Cream and Onion Pringles while sitting through a car wash.  I’d win bets with how many Billy Goat Triple Cheezborgers I could polish off on Fridays at work. (By the way, they were on special that day.)

Another classic: order Chinese and race to Jewel to get a half-pound of cashews to add to the cashew chicken “because there just wasn’t enough” on the original order.  Football Sundays involved gyros, Italian beef, pizza, then I’d get serious at the 3:00 games.  I’m sure by now, you got the picture.   Well, we are gonna explore the various weight-loss schemes that I have taken on in years past.

You will learn what not-to-do, and what not-to-do.

Cabbage Soup Diet – 1996
Not a cabbage fan, in fact not sure if I ever had it prior to this venture.  Crazy concept: you had a week where it was pretty stringent on what you could eat.  One day I remember was primarily tomatoes.  Another day, you could have all the beef you wanted.  (I excelled on beef day.)  However, the catalyst of the diet was you could eat all of the cabbage soup you could handle in a day.  I gotta be honest, early on the stuff was pretty damn good.  I thought I was on to something.  I did get a nice little jump-start.

Result: I believe I lost in the neighborhood of 10-12 pounds in one week.  Very impressive.  Woke up after one week though on a Saturday.  Looked at the soup, and poured it down the drain.  Went to Burger King with Karen for lunch during Pre-Cana marriage class, down a chicken sandwich and fries, and promptly came home and soiled myself. So she pretty much knew what she was getting into for the long haul.

Overall Grade: C- (would be higher, but clean up sucked!)

Herbal Life – 1998
I think this all-natural result may be a cult of some sort.  I was eating fiber pills, white pills, green pills, and drinking water and chicken bouillon.   I threw the bouillon in, thinking I was on to something there.  I ate baby carrots by the bushel.

I lost probably in the neighborhood of 15 pounds before it was all said and done.  I was freaking starving.  Pee smelled, and was somewhat green, and I had super-power eyesight for those two to three weeks I was on it.

Overall Grade: D

Atkins – 1999, 2000, 2001,2002, 2003,
2004, 2005, 2006, 2007, 2008, 2009, 2010

Always got this guy confused with Kevorkian.  Don’t know why.  Anyway, this thing works — it was fantastic!  I love bacon and I could have all I wanted.  I would low-carb it up with turkey bacon.   It was really a pretty great diet, it’s just sticking with it.  Once you have pasta, rice, or a great Mexican meal, you’re screwed.

Result: Was down way over 20, and feeling great.  Got tired of turkey bacon, microwaved me some Oscar Meyer center cut at work, spilled grease all over the kitchen floor, and a 8-month pregnant accounting chick slipped and fell.  Out of guilt, I stopped the diet immediately.

Overall Grade – B

This was last year’s gimmick.  The Tommy Lasorda special.  Shake for breakfast, shake for dinner, sensible lunch and this goat piss concoction every four hours.  Oh, and Friday is “Fast Day.”  Thought I was Monsignor Murphy fresh out of Vatican 2.  I’d get cold, my head would hurt, and I’d look like I was a Sally Struthers rent-a-kid by 4:00 in the afternoon.

Lost 25, but worked out like I really needed to train for something.  Kidney stones hampered me, but this was not a good way to go.  Oh, and it was on the costly side, definitely a scam.

Overall Grade: D

Yes, that's my neck and my wife is that short.

In 2011, I’m focused on calorie counting, and will be exercising every day.  I am also trying to become the Jimmy John’s Lettuce Wraps spokesman.   Hell, that “slow” Jared has made a fortune as the Subway whore, I know I take him down.

My goal is to be under 230 (what the Chinaman said to the dentist) by the end of 2011, and I’m pretty motivated at this point.  I am trying to avoid any irritable bowel situations, pregnant slippages, and worse –– death.

Well, thanks for the support on here, you all have been great.  We’ll keep you updated on the progress.

If you can’t get enough of the Big Guy, here are more stories:
In Sickness and in Health
If You Liked It, then You Shoulda Put a Ring on It
Man vs. Food
For Better or For Worse
Costume Redemption

Comments and sharing encouraged!

Permanent link to this article: http://www.mom-mom-mom.com/2011/01/14/toms-turn-resolutions-i%e2%80%99m-running-out-of-choices/


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  1. Ray

    I take the over and the points!

  2. Kurt

    The real deal????

  3. Mary Kay

    Loved your segment Tom! Good luck on the diet!!!

  4. DayCMay

    Great Goal Tom, I hope you accomplish it without any disasters 🙂 And listen to what the Chinaman said to the dentist. Lol Keep that motivation going!

  5. Jennifer Ashline

    Nicely done, Tom! I laughed out loud a few times, particularly at this little gem: “My goal is to be under 230 (what the Chinaman said to the dentist)”

  6. Todd

    I am rooting for you. The 6-64’s and Pizza you had the other night might not help you.

  7. Donna

    Tom, Thanks for all your diet tips! Good luck with this years! I need to find one of my own , can’t say I’d like to try any you mentioned though. Now go eat a lettuce wrap and send Karen back! 🙂

  8. Kate

    Big D, I thought you were the White Shadow from Harvey. I didn’t know you got out of the hood and made it to Harvard University.

  9. Tom

    Ray, I’m trying, but I don’t blame you for doubting..

  10. Tom

    I am the total package….

  11. Tom

    Thanks Mary Kay….I wanna look like Magoo…

  12. Tom

    Thanks Daisy May….We missed you this weekend, hope the wrestling continues to go great…

  13. Tom

    Thanks Jenny, and the Chinaman and Johnny Horn thank you too…

  14. Tom

    Hawk, the 64’s ain’t gonna kill me, but the pizza will. Thanks for the encouragement.

  15. Tom

    Donna thanks for the encouragement. I’ll proudly turn the reigns back over to Karen as I have no desire to take this thing over! Take care.

  16. Tom

    Kate, The big Deuce would have a better chance of surviving in Harvey than the Ivy League, I think you know that.



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