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The Christmas Card Pressure: Where It All Began

I know that my last post was a real cliff-hanger: what is that mysterious horse-ass-parasite outbreak on her face? The doc confirmed that it was shingles. In fact, Google concurred by running herpes and roofing ads all over my site. (I may have also spotted an ad for a roofer with herpes. However, that was after my high school friends and I had a fancy Tea Luncheon/Happy Hours that involved more wine and Bloody Marys than Chamomile and Earl Gray. Good times!)

When I was 30, I had shingles on my ribs, which ironically was the last time I probably had ribs. Now I just have rolls where my bra’s band pushes down and my underwear pushes up.  (Maybe I should hold on to that ad for the roofer with herpes in case Tom ditches me for some skinny bitch!) Anyway, the doctor explained that they are stress-related to which my husband sympathetically replies, “Great, that’s all I need to hear.” He knows all too well that I will hold it over his head whenever I get a bug up my butt.

One of the things that causes me the most stress over the holidays is coming up with a fabulous, creative Christmas card. It’s my own fault. We send out a somewhat clever holiday card announcing that I was knocked up and it pretty much snowballed from there.

My dad asked if I would post all of the cards so he can show his golf buddies. So I am going to score brownie points/move up the inheritance ladder and walk you down Christmas Card Memory Lane over the next few weeks.  I know my dad is biased, but I hope you get a kick out of them, too!

Bun in the Oven

Christmas Card, 1999

Our Bun is Done

Eileen's Birth Announcement, 2000

(Dear Google, Please run holiday ads on video game sales, girls’ clothing that doesn’t look trampy, affordable babysitters, cute boots discounts, wine coupons, Groupon and frozen appetizers that I can pass off as my own at a holiday party. Thank you.)


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12 comments

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  1. laurie

    Karen,
    glad the mysterious illness was diagnosed! Not fun but at least it isn’t fatal!(always the optimist). although I am a recent addition to your christmas card list–they are hysterical and hope that I remain on the list even though I am not a sender myself. My latest excuse is that anything I send out could not possibly compare to yours so why even bother! :)Hope the holidays stay stress-free for you! I am loving your blog! merry christmas!

    laurie

    1. Karen

      Laurie, After finally being reunited after 20 years, you are stuck on my list! (Besides, the college stories could come to haunt me!) Thanks for all the kind words. Makes this nutty thing worthwhile!

  2. Mary Kay

    I can’t wait to see them all! These two were great!

  3. Kim

    Now I just have rolls where my bra’s band pushes down and my underwear pushes up.

    Funniest thing I’ve read all day. Oh my gosh you are so funny Karen. I giggle when I get the email that you have a new post. Oooooh…what did she say this time?!?!

    1. Karen

      It would be funnier if it wasn’t so true!

  4. meg

    I’m getting Christmas cards, annnnnnnnnnnnd…………… Roofers!

    Looking forward to Xmas card memory land sister!

    1. Karen

      And there was an ad for Hail Damage. I think because I mentioned my cellulite.

  5. meg

    Lane. I meant memory lane, not memory land! Although that sounds fun, too.

  6. Mary

    Good to hear the shingles didn’t come from the horses!! Made me nervous! You’ll be happy to know that the google ad was wholesome Hallmark holiday cards. Love your Christmas cards! I also hate the pressure of the card – not because mine are funny – I’m just trying to get a pic of all 3 kids looking remotely normal. Decided maybe I should just give up and go for reality. Not pretty, but real! Looking forward to further posts!!

    1. Karen

      We have resorted to paying out cash the past couple of years. Aidan demanded a raise because he had to wear make-up last year. Diva.

  7. Kelly

    To tell the truth, every year I search through Stacy and John’s cards, in order to find yours! No pressure tho’. ; )

    1. Karen

      I feel a shingle coming on! No pressure, my ass!

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